I don't have a home to return to. The Baron and Elise are dead and I'm not sure if I'm even in his will, and can't decide anyway whether that's for better or worse, seeing as I left an estate with a murder scene in its basement, my own blood and viscera in the vicinity. I imagine there would be questions if I were in the will, and if I wasn't, then... I don't know. It'll get repossessed? Either way, it won't be mine.
Discussed the idea of bringing Elise back, but then it would be in... that situation. Would the ritual have tainted her? I don't know. I still don't know if what I saw in Prehevil was real or not. I thought... perhaps, as long as she weas able to live her life again, move on and be happy, then it would be worth it even if I wasn't going to make it out alive. Then Laudna said something to me, but... but I don't think it'll work. I'm not the man she agreed to love anymore. The Baron's hands are spick and span compared to mine.
Perhaps I could just turn back time, though it'd be more than just a fraction of a second like Gale says would be the minimum necessary to save his own life. But there's no escaping the war, unless I wanted to become a deserter. And then what? I'd be just as helpless to do anything as if I never had.
...
There's nothing I could use the wish for myself that'd make me "happy". Is that enough of an answer?
I just got through telling you I love you, Daan, of course that's not enough of an answer.
[she holds her wrist, arms behind her back, clutching so, so tight.]
I think you're so used to life taking things from you that you've talked yourself out of happiness before you could even try to reach for it. And I think... if Elise was the sort of person you've described to me, she wouldn't care what's happened. She'd still love you, too.
I was happy. Even for a little while. I told you, she deigned to say yes to me.
[ Though maybe if I'd never met her... if I never met the Baron, showed him Sylvian magic was real and it exists... then he would've never reached his level of obsession. Maybe he wouldn't have killed her. ]
I'll never forget nor regret those years, but they're all in the past.
Bet you'd get really mad at me if I said that to you. If I said it was my fault Gortash threw me to the Hells and that my life and happiness is all in the past.
[ He has never thought otherwise, but he also can only search for so long. Letting Karlach have it instead -- it's like a painkiller, and that's better than nothing. ]
[she sighs, bringing a hand up to rub at her face.]
I think you know me well enough at this point, Daan, that I'm never going to be content with being the only one that's got something to look forward to.
[ But that's kind of it, right. That's all he can really say. He doesn't bother with the empty promises if his thoughts are just going to betray him anyway. Chin up, you're not alone -- he always says, to anyone but for himself. ]
[it's all either of them can say, and it makes her sad. it makes her iron heart ache in her chest, hot and uncomfortable. she grimaces, hand coming down to rest over that instead.]
Laudna said I can only give people hope if I believe in it myself, so. I guess I'll... I'll just keep trying for that. Hard as I can.
[ He wonders if that's true. After all, so many of you bitches believe in him, tell him his words give you all hope -- and he's long since lost that sort of things days before Prehevil, before he ever showed up in this camp at all. But that's a ponder for himself, because in the end, he'll never deny anyone else their own light. ]
I've said it before, but it hasn't changed.
It's really impressive how much you've held out so far.
[ He's watched so many people slip or splinter behind the scenes, people who seemed bright and infallible. Being able to stay that stalwart, to pick yourself back up again -- it's a strength invisible yet more important than anything else. ]
[she's definitely taken some of the things he's said and held onto them, but none of it felt untrue, is the thing. none of it felt like placating or lies to get her through. what laudna said was one of those things she's taken to heart, too. keep hoping, so other people can. be an example. be a light. don't burn out.]
A lot of people have told me that. [she thinks about it. hears similar sentiments in her thoughts, a gathering of voices - geto, rondo, astarion, more.]
Thanks, I think. It's something I like about me.
[what a novel thing, liking yourself. that's not a thing for more than half the characters i play.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ I've weighed my options already. ]
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I want to know what that means. What options.
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[ He's... so tired. ]
I don't have a home to return to. The Baron and Elise are dead and I'm not sure if I'm even in his will, and can't decide anyway whether that's for better or worse, seeing as I left an estate with a murder scene in its basement, my own blood and viscera in the vicinity. I imagine there would be questions if I were in the will, and if I wasn't, then... I don't know. It'll get repossessed? Either way, it won't be mine.
Discussed the idea of bringing Elise back, but then it would be in... that situation. Would the ritual have tainted her? I don't know. I still don't know if what I saw in Prehevil was real or not. I thought... perhaps, as long as she weas able to live her life again, move on and be happy, then it would be worth it even if I wasn't going to make it out alive. Then Laudna said something to me, but... but I don't think it'll work. I'm not the man she agreed to love anymore. The Baron's hands are spick and span compared to mine.
Perhaps I could just turn back time, though it'd be more than just a fraction of a second like Gale says would be the minimum necessary to save his own life. But there's no escaping the war, unless I wanted to become a deserter. And then what? I'd be just as helpless to do anything as if I never had.
...
There's nothing I could use the wish for myself that'd make me "happy". Is that enough of an answer?
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I just got through telling you I love you, Daan, of course that's not enough of an answer.
[she holds her wrist, arms behind her back, clutching so, so tight.]
I think you're so used to life taking things from you that you've talked yourself out of happiness before you could even try to reach for it. And I think... if Elise was the sort of person you've described to me, she wouldn't care what's happened. She'd still love you, too.
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[ Though maybe if I'd never met her... if I never met the Baron, showed him Sylvian magic was real and it exists... then he would've never reached his level of obsession. Maybe he wouldn't have killed her. ]
I'll never forget nor regret those years, but they're all in the past.
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[her tail flicks, agitated.]
Don't be stupid. None of that was your fault.
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[ I don't want to think it. But it's hard not to. ]
Prescribing you the wrong medicine doesn't fix the illness.
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That's why I've been looking for the right medicine.
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[ He has never thought otherwise, but he also can only search for so long. Letting Karlach have it instead -- it's like a painkiller, and that's better than nothing. ]
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[she sighs, bringing a hand up to rub at her face.]
I think you know me well enough at this point, Daan, that I'm never going to be content with being the only one that's got something to look forward to.
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[ But that's kind of it, right. That's all he can really say. He doesn't bother with the empty promises if his thoughts are just going to betray him anyway. Chin up, you're not alone -- he always says, to anyone but for himself. ]
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Laudna said I can only give people hope if I believe in it myself, so. I guess I'll... I'll just keep trying for that. Hard as I can.
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I've said it before, but it hasn't changed.
It's really impressive how much you've held out so far.
[ He's watched so many people slip or splinter behind the scenes, people who seemed bright and infallible. Being able to stay that stalwart, to pick yourself back up again -- it's a strength invisible yet more important than anything else. ]
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A lot of people have told me that. [she thinks about it. hears similar sentiments in her thoughts, a gathering of voices - geto, rondo, astarion, more.]
Thanks, I think. It's something I like about me.
[what a novel thing, liking yourself. that's not a thing for more than half the characters i play.]
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You're worth liking.
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Wish you knew how good that makes me feel to hear.
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